Australian wine - a short review

An Australian winemaker hard at work.

I finally met my sister's tubby, Australian, and pathetically hopeful paramour at a family party last summer; he revealed to me that he worked for a winery and as an aspiring wino, I immediately spirited him away from the party to the local liquor store with instructions to purchase on my behalf those bottles of quality Australian red wine that I would not consider without the benefit of his "expertise."

With much lacklustre, he effeminately and listlessly trolled the aisles of the store and finally selected for me 10 bottles of wine that (I now realize) must have been been tremendously entertaining for those Australian winemakers to make as they slapped each other on their backs while pissing in the vats. Seriously, of all of the international wine offerings, Australia has to be tops in marketing but still remains the absolute shits when it comes to actual taste.

You may not believe this, but as a copious imbiber of red wine, I truly do know my shit. And funnily enough, when it comes to the ruby nectar there is no comparison to Ontario wine. Seriously! For quality wine, Ontario puts Poe's own Cask of Amontillado to complete shame.

But in this case, because I had already spent premium dollars on the best examples of Australia's pathetic excuse for vino production, chosen no less by Australia's own version of Paul Lynde - I had to drink it. And finally, with bottle number ten, SOMETHING proved to be a little better than wood alcohol...

To use the lingo of the wine connoisseur, after cracking the screw cap on the d'Arenberg McLaren Vale 2005 "The Footbolt" Shiraz, it released its heady aromas of fermented moonshine along with the bouquet of Varathane and the insouciant finish of Prestone - and with that proved itself to be the absolute best of what Australia has to offer. Finishing the bottle may have rendered me paritally blind but at least I got my money's worth.

It's been said before and I'll say it again, when it comes to wine, you simply cannot go wrong with French or Italian - and as I already said, some of the best wines in the world comes from right here in Ontario; even Hungary (Bull's Blood) and Chile have something to offer, but if you insist on buying Austrailan piss (like Wolf Blass and similar) might I suggest you buy Mexican wine instead and spend the change on some nice balsamic vinegar to mix in with it. You'll get the same effect.

But I don't want to come off as snooty. Make your own choices.